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The Onion

The Onion is America's Finest News Source.

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1:22

Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody

1:38

Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently

1:21

The Seven Male Role Models Every Child Needs For A Healthy Upbringing

1:00

White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off

0:50

This Day In History The Invention Of The Handjob

0:21

White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off

1:05

U.N. Warns Iran Stockpiling Creatine To Develop Washboard Abs

1:13

U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

1:59

White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off

0:52

Ten Percent Of U S High School Students Graduating Without Basic Object Permanence Skills

1:00

Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend

3:35

The Onion Cultural Standard: Real Housewives of Atlanta

1:00

How To Successfully Sue Other Moms Who Steal Your Parenting Tricks

0:58

The Onion Reviews 'Spider-Man Homecoming'

0:42

Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo

0:57

Be Part Of History

0:32

Satellite Images Reveal Drunk Father Stockpiling Fireworks

0:34

Satellite Images Reveal Drunk Father Stockpiling Fireworks

0:40

Domino's Tests Limits Of What Humans Will Eat

0:16

The Onion x Kenneth Cole

1:17

Mother Advocates For Right To Expose Milk Engorged Breasts in Public

2:29

Satellite Images Reveal Drunk Father Stockpiling Fireworks | Onion News Network

0:29

FEMA Head Under Fire After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System

1:03

Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law

0:27

FEMA Head Under Fire After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System

1:36

FEMA Head Under Fire After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System

1:10

Congress, Now More Than Ever, We Need Your Cowardice

3:25

The Onion Film Standard: 28 Years Later Review

0:58

Army Holds Annual 'Bring Your Daughter To War' Day

1:12

The Onion Celebrates The 50th Anniversary Of 'Jaws'

0:36

Trump Imposes 50% Tariff On Companies That Just Feel Chinese

1:10

Hollow Point Bullets Recalled That Don't Explode In Targets

0:51

Scientists Teach Father To Communicate Emotions Using Rudimentary Hand Gestures

0:46

Man Opens Up About Childhood Trauma Of Being Forced To Put On Jammies

1:18

The Onion Reviews 'E.T.'

3:24

Man Opens Up About Childhood Trauma Of Being Forced To Put On Jammies

0:38

Artificial Intelligence Explains Why Humans Have Nothing To Worry About

0:33

Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit

0:29

New Law Requires S_x Offenders To Wear Tinted Sunglasses, Cut-Off Shorts

0:36

JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns

0:27

FDA Official: "Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable"

1:18

The Onion Reviews 'John Wick'

0:26

JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns

0:34

Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

2:39

JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns | Onion News Network

0:34

'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General

0:38

213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?

1:00

The Onion Reviews 'Mission Impossible'

0:26

213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?

1:28

Ultra Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

1:42

213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?

0:30

104-Year-Old Man Awarded WWII Medal Just To Be Nice

0:26

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

1:01

Honor Our Troops By Watching Over This Sleeping Soldier

0:26

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

0:41

Perfectly Good Tire Just Sitting There Behind The Kroger

0:31

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

0:30

The Onion’s June 2025 Bestseller List

2:25

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

0:57

GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men

0:38

Troubled Democrats To Undergo Party Counseling

0:22

Ear Of Genetically Modified Corn Begs For Death

1:09

Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children

0:49

Study Finds Growing Gap Between America's Rich and Super Rich

0:24

Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children

1:04

Experts Agree Giant, Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

3:14

Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children | Onion News Network

0:47

Nation Successfully Completes Mother’s Day By 9:18 AM

1:16

12 Year Old Boy Scouts Offer To Give Breast Exams

0:35

Signal For New Pope Delayed While Dead Raccoon Dislodged From Sistine Chapel Chimney

0:19

You seem obedient. Visit the newly redesigned theonion.com.

0:48

Many U S Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas

0:55

The Onion Reviews 'Captain America Civil War'

0:28

Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database

0:42

Anonymous Hero Donates Hospital 200 Human Kidneys

0:36

Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database

1:03

The Onion Reviews Avengers Age Of Ultron

2:31

Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database

1:02

Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don’t Give A Shit

0:32

Dalai Lama Tapped As Interim Pope

0:38

Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid

0:43

Death Of Chopped-Up Woman Ruled A Suicide

0:54

Samsung Releases New Wearable Computer

0:28

Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid

0:36

Town's Teen Pregnancy Spike Due To One Impressive Youth

2:53

Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid

1:21

Remembering Pope Francis (1936-2025)

1:12

New Marijuana Study Confirms Everyone Knows You're High And You Will Be Stoned Forever

0:50

Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People In Face

0:37

Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

2:00

How To Keep Your Kids Safe

0:41

New IRS Campaign Fucking Dares You To Take Deduction For Home Office

1:57

How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side

0:56

The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets

0:47

🌶️ Things are heating up in the S🤩X House! 🌶️

0:50

Don't let Frank's age fool you! He might be the biggest nympho in the S🤩X House

2:08

The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets Review

0:41

Is Alex The Biggest Nympho In The S🤩X House?

2:23

Ozempic User Explains How Weight Loss Changed The Way People Slapped Her Belly

0:31

WELCOME TO S🤩X HOUSE! Time To Meet The Nymphos 🥵